Post Rock bands either rule or suck ass. There's no middle ground. I think the reason for this is that There's a very fine line between being boring as shit and being entertaining when it comes to the minimalistic nature of the genre (it becomes immediately apparent when a band is unoriginal in post rock), as well as the general copycat nature of new post rock bands. Godspeed You! Black Emperor is an example of a band that does not bore. Here's a group that is well known for its 20+ minute-long tracks filled with ambiance and dark string arrangements, yet despite the extended passages of silence or ambient noises the music is never boring and always gripping. The atmosphere and mood created by the Montreal 9-piece is such that it draws the listener in without lulling them into a deep slumber.

Too often is the opposite true. Bands such as If These Trees Could Talk, Canyonsofstatic, This Will Destroy You and Russian Circles perpetuate the idea held by many that post rock is the most boring genre of music imaginable, or at least that it is degenerating into said boredom. The reason the genre is essentially turning to shit is because there is very little innovation left, new bands preferring to copy the styles of Sigur Ros or Explosions In The Sky or whatever instead of creating something faintly original.

So boring is most post rock, that bands such as Mono are considered gods of the genre just for keeping one awake whilst listening to their music. This pisses me off. Mono are good, don't get me wrong, but anyone who thinks that their latest album is a classic of the genre needs to listen to more music.

In this post, I've included three albums, all amazing, all interesting, all post rock. Download links are the album names.



Do Make Say Think - Winter Hymn Country Hymn Secret Hymn

This album is fantastic. It has a jazzy, rustic feel to it and doesn't swear by the old "quietly played theme progressing to earth shatteringly loud version of original theme" unwritten law followed religiously by most bands of the genre. Instead, Do Make Say Think prefer to add layers and textures to the sound, not just increase volume and distortion levels. I cannot recommend this enough.



God Is An Astronaut - All Is Violent, All Is Bright

An Irish post rock band focusing more on catchy piano and guitar melodies than buildups and climaxes. That's not to say that there are no typical post rock elements in their music, but they're going for a much more accessible, catchy feel than Godspeed or Tortoise. The music has this icy cold quality to it which manages to sound alternately eerie and extraordinarily groovy. For instant satisfaction this is essential. Oh yeah and it never gets old, did I mention that? Get it now.




Talk Talk - Laughing Stock

One of the first (if not the first) post rock records. Jazzy and ambient, with vocals, this is nothing like Sigur Ros or Mogwai. The transition between "Ascension Day" and "After the Flood" is breathtaking.

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Did you know every time a black metal band plays a bad song, god kills a kitten (or a puppy, if you're partial to them)? Well, that's not exactly true; if it was, there would be no cats, puppies, or tragic inter-breeds left all throughout the world. Black metal is so famous for being consistently bad it's actually SURPRISING when someone does it right. Of course, doing it "right" is, in every sense of the term, purely subjective, which is a long, nonsensical and inevitably pointless debate that I won't get into here. Suffice to say, it is much easier to define what should NOT be done rather than what SHOULD.

For instance, if your vocalist sounds like someone is choking a frog and then recording it...
Please, please, find a new vocalist.
If your vocalist sounds like Jerry the mouse being shin-cracked, you're Cradle of Filth and you know what you did you filthy (get it?), dirty whore (credit goes to my alter-ego-self on Sputnik for that comparison).

Then there's keyboards, which I touched on earlier. Symphonics and metal aren't inherently bad chemistry, but it would not be exaggerating to say almost no one gets that business correct. Guys, you've got to understand, if you're trying to sound evil, juxtaposing your tremolo picked riffs with a purple-ass keyboard is pretty much the first thing on a list of crap you could do to make your record sound less evil.

Other black metal problems include redundancy and repetitiveness, which is to say, every goddamn song sounding exactly the same. Curiously enough, I discovered a band the other day by looking at some side projects of the most repetitive black metal band I've ever heard, Asmodeus. That band sounds like someone recorded one song and then changed the verse length 9 times (the drummer is incredibly talented, however, and deserves a better band). Sometimes black metal bands have the tendency to "rely", you could say, on atmosphere; that is, they play slow, plodding, fuzzy black metal that is, quite boring. Now, you might wonder why it ook a 700 word segue to get here, but as it is, Schattenheer has an extremely excellent atmosphere, complete without retarded keyboards. Once that first riff hits, you know you're in for a ride. 41 minutes of non-stop evil black metal. So, what's the catch?

Well.. the vocalist is only okay. I mean, he does not sound terrible, per se. There's this strange interlude on song one where he alters his voice with an electronic effect and it's kind of out of place (you'll know what I'm talking about). After track 1, though, his voice goes back to normal and you're ready to enjoy some toe-tappingly (irony points) good black metal. If you can look past that, you're in for a grand old time. Get it here, folks: right here click me plz.

...


Seriously, LOOK AT THIS FUCKING CLOWN. STOP IT.

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Now it's time to relax and listen to the beautiful and iconic "Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence" by brilliant Japanese composer Ryuichi Sakamoto

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This is a split release by American one man project Panopticon and relative unknowns Lake of Blood. Seriously this is worth it just for the Panopticon side of the split. I mean Lake of Blood is a pretty good band; they're not atmospheric like Panopticon and play a pretty melodic brand of black metal, but their side pales in comparison to their split-mate's. You know what's awesome about Panopticon? He DOESN'T SUCK. Happy Joey? You better fucking be.

I prefer the other split Panopticon is involved with (the It's Later Than You Think split with Wheels Within Wheels), but if you're hankering for some quality black metal then this is, my friend, is your answer.

Fuck Wolves in the Throne Room, this guy is the best ABM around right now. You don't believe me? Listen to this or I'll take a dump on your chest, Cleveland Steamer style.

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I hate to make another general post about music, but I'm afraid there's a problem with the black metal of today, too: it sucks. It sounds like a bunch of pussies wanking on their guitars, making themselves feel special inside because, LOOK MOMMA, I can play a tremolo picked riff REALLY FAST.

Good for you.

For the rest of us, it takes more than hyperspeed riffs and "epic" keyboard "compositions" to satiate our man-sized balls (take that any way you want to). To be honest, most of the times I hear a keyboard in music, it makes me want to punch a piano. Fortunately for my hand and for pianos everywhere, I don't own a piano, so I usually just punch a pianist. Either way, every once in awhile, I hear music where the keyboards aren't the most aggrivating thing I've ever heard; those rare records where the keyboards aren't an "element", they're a factor. They play a part in the greater whole and don't COMPLETELY, ANNOYINGLY DETRACT from it. If you've ever heard Nokturnal Mortum, and since we're talking about real men, I'm assuming you have, they are pretty much the best symphonic black metal band ever. Some of you might be screaming at your keyboards, going NO NO NO EMPEROR IS THE BEST.

Nah.

Nokturnal Mortum, aside from kicking ass and taking names and taking kick-ass names, looked at keyboards, and went "you know what, we need TWO of those". Then, as no one else has ever done successfully before or after them, they made it work.

Now, not every band can do two keyboards; Germany's Dies Ater is such a band, with just one keyboardist. But you know why Dies Ater kick ass? Because they rock. Odium's Spring is their latest release, and with the soon-to-be-official crumbling of the band, it will also be their last. On it, however, they are a metal band to the bone; they're not trying to be epic (okay, they are a little bit, but forgive them; they're german, like me; we don't take shit lightly), they are just playing balls-to-the-wall black metal, heavy as hell and absolutely uncomprising. And those keyboards? They're in the background, where they belong, adding to the atmosphere but never detracting from or overpowering it. Not to mention the band are incredibly talented at their instruments and, thank everything holy or unholy or whatever shit you believe in, that the singer is NOT fucking terrible, another problem with black metal today (every little dickwad thinks he can do a black metal scream; I'm looking at you Xasthur). He screams in the native tongue of angry, crazy people, a people I'm proud to be part of: the germans. There isn't an angrier language, and it translates perfectly to the music.

So go on, hit this shit up. If you inherently hate keyboards in music, even more so than me, then you probably won't like this. If you do, however, like heavy, brutal black metal, then go on and try some of what Germany has to offer; you won't be disappointed.

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Death metal is awesome, aint it?
Well... Not really. MOST death metal is terrible, derivative trash, just like most music. Awesome death metal is awesome. Semantics, I know, but as it happens, I can tell you two main reasons death metal of today sucks:

Technicality = Quality
Nope. No it doesn't.
Brutality = Quality
Nope. No it doesn't. Fuck off.

Those are often cited by people; I have generalized them and paraphrased them, of course, but their strength is undeniable. I would like to add one more reason, however, that the death metal of today sucks, and it's not metalcore. No, it's production. Because, for some reason, today's generation seems to think that:
More Low End = Heavier = Quality
NO. NO IT DOESN'T.

With that in mind, try to listen to 7th Nemesis knowing that somehow, somewhere, they had this knowledge and decided to squander, crush, torture and execute it. Their debut LP, Violentia Imperatrix Mundi, is a solid serving of slightly progressive modern death metal with a somewhat technical edge. It's mixed pretty well with a chunky low-end that gives it more of a huge sound than an earache. It was released in 2006, and has almost everything you could ask for from death metal: headbangable groovy sections, furious drum-work, solid technical fretwork that is refined and restrained and a heavy-as-fuck breakdown or two (spread amongst 9 songs, there's only two of them).

So why the big rant at the start? Well, 7th Nemesis decided to RErecord Violentia and rename it some bullshit name I don't feel like remembering correctly, something like Archetype of Violent Shitty Production. Yeah. That was probably it. Either way, they decided, fuck the deep end, they are going to take that low-end and drill for the center of the earth. It's loud, it's obnoxious, and it sounds fucking awful.

Stop it death metal. More gain does not equal more fun.

Get the original solid slab of death metal right here: not-shittily-produced-death-metal

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What's that, boys and girls? You want your faces crushed? Well, step right up, it's time to make a pancake out of that abortion you call a visage (for those of you who are now offended, please click the back button on your browser to a place more suitable for pansies). I can hear you now; quiveringly, you would plead:
"but why, Mr. Phones, why did you crush my face so hard?"

Well it's my job, and since I pride myself on doing my job well, I present this monolith of existence ending, earth-moving sludge/grind. Clocking in at my favorite album of 2007, Time To Burn's Sludgeariffic release Is.Land is one of the heaviest things you will ever hear. I could stop there and tell you to get the fucking album, but to do so would be a great disservice to this band. The vocalist sounds like he is ready to punch the microphone with his face, which makes no sense but does anyway, the guitars sound like dropping a train on your ear and the bass is ever-present and has a muddy mind of its own. A dark, brooding atmosphere is peppered with moments of unimaginable heaviness and clean, tranquil ambient and acoustic sections, just to keep you on your feet. GET IT NOW.

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These guys rule seriously. This release is more accessible than Cacophony. A fantastic listen for those who enjoyed Cacophony or for those who found it a little too weird. In fact just get it. I dare you. Whether you listen to Wu-Tang, Opeth, Converge or Black Flag you need this.

Get

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Another delicious offering from the dirty south's Clipse, a rap duo from Virginia Beach. Theirs is an accessible yet substantial offering of southern hip hop, with interesting beats, brilliant flow and superb (but not necessarily intricate) lyrics. If you like hip hop then get this. It's pretty simple.

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Some punk is awesome. In fact, most punk is awesome. There are very few types of punk, sub-genres of punk, that are not, in fact, awesome. Do you know these genres? They are third-wave hardcore, a wave I just invented. Third-wave hardcore is DWEEDLE-JUN breakdown repeated 4 times a song. This one time, I was at a concert, and this local "hardcore" band played 13 breakdowns in 3 songs. I almost cried.

Thankfully, other genres of punk make up for this kind of ridiculous derivative pussy bullshit. Crust is just one of those genres, actually sharing more with metal than with punk itself, but still forming out of hardcore and thus identifying with punk. With Cursed's Chris Colohan and members of other infamous 90s hardcore bands (including a member of Left For Dead), you'd be pretty safe assuming this slays the fuck out of the girly sing-breakdown-scream crap they put out today. Well, you'd be right; this release is 8 songs of unstoppable brutality and then a (decently) disturbing outro track which is more or less skippable after the first time you hear it. Either way, get it right now because, just like Cursed, it destroys. Hard.

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Pretty sweet Atmospheric Black Metal from Tacoma, Washington along the lines of Drudkh, Ash Borer and Hate Forest. Short quarter hour of music. Definitely something to watch.

Watch it here. and by watch I mean listen.

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I've been on a Post-Rock Screamo kick lately. Bands like Envy, Mesa Verde, City of Caterpillar etc have dominated my ears for months. It's time for a change of scene, albeit slightly. I mean I still want my skramz. Don't worry, I have a solution.

Eucalypt was a brilliant screamo band from New South Wales, Australia. They were one of the most emotionally charged groups I've ever heard; they played extraordinarily fast music with incredibly passionate vocals. One feature that distinguishes Eucalypt from many other bands in the genre is the guitarists' tendency to play without distortion. It really works and gives the music a more cutting, edgy feel, especially if you've been listening to distortion and atmosphere for ages (such as moi). This release is pretty rare but is a hard hitting 17 minutes of incredible music.

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So, you got some of the grimmest metal around (You did, didn't you? What? You didn't? Get the fuck out of here). For those of you left, you might want a soothing, ambient piece with which you can reflect on the metal you just indulged upon. Enter Helios (most likely named after the Greek representation of the sun by the same name), an ambient, nature influenced band from Portland, Oregon. Focusing less on post-rock tension building and release and more on enveloping, soothing soundscapes, Eingya's sound also focuses more on electronic sounds and city-like white-noise ambience. A slight electronic edge, strangely, does nothing to deprive the record of a completely organic feel. Eingya is a fantastic release that will get you in the mood for sitting around and doing nothing. In this hectic world, sometimes there's just nothing better than sloth-like relaxation, and Eingya is a perfect, moving piece that stands as a testament to that idea. Get it here.

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Drudkh are, without question, some of the best black metal being made today. With albums like Autumn Aurora and their latest Microcosmos, their nature inspired take on atmospheric black metal is both alluring and consistently satisfying. Saying they're some of the best isn't hyperbole; it's just fact. If you take that band apart, however, what do you get?

Well, as it turns out, you get some of the grimmest, heaviest, evilest black metal you can find. With a hilariously ridiculous name and a sound to match, Hate Forest give bands like Anaal Nathrakh a run for their money in intensity. There's just one catch: this band isn't some grindy bullshit, just straight-up, balls to the wall black metal. The vocals might not be for everybody, but the people they're not for are pussies. Get your blacker than black metal right here and enjoy another classy treat from the boys in Ukraine.

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we're going ultra elite bitches

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This is a weird album. Wonderfully weird in fact. Cacophony is a deathrock/post punk album that is immensely atmospheric and contains strange spoken word passages, many of them (from what I can work out, some are sped up or altered in some way to the point of being indecipherable) excerpts from Lovecraft works. Though very atmospheric, the album does contain many very catchy riffs. The and lyrics are very strong and effective, and as I noted before, pertain to the writing of H.P. Lovecraft. The gloomy, tortured and chaotic nature of the music really does strengthen the subject matter brilliantly. The vocals range from a tortured sneer to screams and yells, and are extremely well done. The album artwork was drawn in pen-and-ink by frontman Nick Blinko. This is an album that is not to be missed. Mindblowingly good.

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I'm a little slow in my listening, but this is one of the best instrumental records I've heard this year. It kicks Mono's ass and might even give Do Make Say Think a run for their money. The music is alternately aggressive riffs, beautiful piano passages, glitchy drum machine driven electronica and noodly guitar ostinatos. It is an album that is immediately accessible but does not wear off. You will find yourself listening to this much more than you had anticipated because it is just so addictive. If you don't get anything else from 2009 I don't care, as long as you get this.

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